Movie: 100 Below

Ever watch a 1 star movie for a laugh? I do. Its a habit I picked up from running out of anime to watch, back when you had to rent it, and then renting bad Jackie Chan Kung Fu movies, and laughing at them. 100 Below was like this. Made with a budget of nearly thousands (of Francs) and with acting like you'd get in a high school play I felt the need to paraphrase most of the "dialog" they mumbled and turned that 90 minutes of digital snow into these key phrases:

Why are there trees on Iceland, the island famous for having no trees and no wild animals whatsoever. This footage looks like Wyoming. Oh look, there's a sudden freak volcano.

"Ah! I have a concussion again. Why do I keep falling down? Why don't I have a helmet? And a coat? It is cold. Why can't you run, sister who looks nothing like me whatsoever?"

"Why? Concussion! Need Helmet! And I smell like dog shit. What did I fall in?"

"Oh good, coats. Leave the gun behind. People are acting crazy so we totally won't need it."

"Hey, French soldier! Why aren't you running away? And why are you shooting at priority rescue civilians? Are you stupid? We're going to the Louvre? Why? And who builds a hospital out of tents at the Louvre, which is covered in glass and having literally no hospital supplies, nor does it have a landing field for the helicopters you said are flying us out of Paris despite apparently nobody being in Paris instead of the 20 million usually teeming around. With all their cars that still work despite the snow that doesn't seem to be accumulating on the roads and streets. So why are we flying? Oh hey, we just drove past a hospital."

"Yay! We're driving through the channel tunnel road in an earthquake. Oh look, the tunnel is cracking. Digital water! Go faster!"

"I can't. This is a French car. It's floored. 45 mph is as fast as a Peugeot city car hatchback goes."

"Wasn't this titled 100 Below? It's just snowing. Why are we driving on grass with 6 inches of snow on it? What happened to the freeway? I'm sure they have freeways in France. I saw them on Top Gear."

"Why does this NATO air base have no fence around it? And only one guard? And one hanger and its painted white? Where did the 6 foot long icicles come from if its 100 Below and never got a chance to melt because the hanger is unheated. And why are you trying to start a helicopter inside a hanger? You tow those outside, dumbass. You just said you're a pilot. Oh, look, the only guy at the whole base was conveniently killed by the falling icicle after opening the door so we don't have to get out."

"Now we're flying in heavy snow and volcanic ash in a soviet Hind helicopter from a NATO airbase for no possible reason I can think of."

Oh look, the teenagers got mugged. Good thing they didn't keep that gun!

"Hey, Dad is coming to the Eiffel Tower with a helicopter. Let's climb up it for no explainable reason instead of wave your bright hot pink shirt to get their attention in this large cleared area where they could land and we can get ON the chopper and fly away into this snow storm. Because it doesn't have a heater, probably. And we gave our coats to the French muggers with two by fours. Because we left that gun, and the two soldiers guns, back there. Because we didn't need them."

"Hey did you know the Eiffel Tower is made out of cast iron and brittle as heck? And its bolted together. And totally cannot take earthquakes. We should totally GO HIGHER up the tower to the observation platform. Oh look, its a snow tornado, because you can get tornados in a blizzard, and there's a helicopter. Why is dad flying a Hind? That's really weird. And is that step-mom just older than we are? Huh. Oh good, let's slide down this wire instead of get onto the helicopter from the ground. Wee! How in hell did that work. Oh, we're crashing."

"Okay, it is snowing in Europe for the next 2 years. There's only ONE plane leaving ONE NATO base, going to Australia on ONE tank of gas. Off we go!"

"See Dad, hitting on women everywhere I go has landed me a hot girlfriend whose life I saved, gave her my coat, and watched her coat get stolen by French muggers in the tunnels under Paris, still strangely lighted despite the power being out everywhere else."

"There is one thing I learned. I got concussions everywhere. I am never leaving home without a helmet again!"

Fade to credit reel, all Russians and John Rhys Davis who is NOT the Monarch of the Sea, nor a dwarf with an axe and looked quite regretful to be the only star in this high school drama.

I am sure this won't be the end of his career. Sometimes you do a film on a bet, or because of bad debts you owed to Russian Mafiya. And this paid it off.