Small RVs

In the 1980's, for some bizarre reason, massively huge, gas sucking, monsterously huge station wagons had fake wood siding glued onto them, as if they were trying to make you think they were kinda like an old Woody. A woody is a classic car, mind you. These days you mock those fake plastic wood panel sided RVs, and wonder in awe at ones made of actual wood. The plastic ones are waterproof. The wood ones leak. Woody station wagons change size with humidity, and rattle a bit. Pretty, heavy, and rattling.

This is a Woody.

Got into a conversation with my buddy That Guy(tm) regarding, RVs. You see, he's come to conclude that sleeping in a tent, on the ground, is unpleasant at our age. This is true. Unless you're very experienced, and willing to carry a pretty thick inflatable ground pad, with an insulating pad on top of it, sleeping on the ground just leaves you sore and miserable. A bed is better. Turns out that in a nice long station wagon, like a woody, you can put a pretty comfy mattress in the back, so long as you don't sit up too fast. You can stretch out all the way.

 

The step up from that is the old 1970's Astro Van, one of those shag wagons that people long dead from STDs used to drive around in. The kind with the big mural on the side of a chick with a fur bikini crouching next to a wolf under a full moon? Like that. Inside will be a disco ball, shag carpet, and a foam pad bed. The unfortunate children spawned from these encounters may be serving your food or tending to your hospital today. The vans themselves were a bit cramped and visibility down the sides and back took some effort to learn how to back up with, but they were reasonably mobile and better than a tent. The big V8 engines were very quiet so these vans could easily drift into a community and out again without much audible notice. You got alarmed when you saw who was behind the wheel, and which girls were getting in for that ride, but that's as I say, history. It can't be worse than the saggy old ladies with blackened stretchmarked tattoos reeking of marijuana smoke I see at the local library. *shudder* Someday that vision will enable me to write comedy. Not quite yet. In any case, one of these vans is probably a reasonably comfortable place to bed down for the night. If they have a microwave and a jug and basin for handwashing, so much the better. You still have to get dressed and get out to pee, but better than a tent in a rainstorm. No plumbing means no particular rust problems. There are probably versions that have the plumbing, the bigger and much heavier ones, and maybe a kitchen down the side, probably with the stove next to the toilet for maximum irony. In this economy, poor college graduates are doing all they can to survive. If that means breaking the law, dealing drugs, and living in a shag wagon, then they do it. And around here they are. If you aren't born here, you won't be hired for the few retail jobs. Don't bother applying. You aren't welcome. You might get the worst jobs, the ones that cause injury at the lowest pay, and then have the employer deny they've ever heard of you when the inevitable happens. More and more, California is a retirement community. A real shame. It used to be such a serious and industrious state with so much going on.

 

Camper vans are mobile and cramped. Bigger things exist, including your classic Winnebago truck campers, and truck bed campers are a valuable class in and of themselves. Work trucks are typically big enough engines. Fitted with stiffer springs and really strong antisway bars and a properly geared transmission with additional cooling, as well as a bigger radiator, you can fit a van-sized shell you can stand up in on the back of a full sized pickup truck. This can go anywhere a pickup can go, and while top-heavy in the corners so care must be taken, they go lots of places and are reasonably easy to back up and maneuver down fire roads to remote locations. Cramped like a van they aren't very comfortable, but if you spend most of your time outside it won't be that noticeable, and these are a favored vehicle for fishermen, hunters, loggers, carpenters, people who build dams and log cabins on the cheap. They have a lot of utility. I have seen some made of wood, down from the Pot Fields of North San Juan. All were heavily caulked. Some were stained, many were painted OD green. Very "survivalist" motif, but that sort of thing is a lost mindset, diverted by religion or politics. I find proper camouflage means dressing like someone boring so nobody looks twice at you, or assumes this is just your neighborhood and doesn't think twice. That's good camouflage. Wearing woodland camo in public merely advertises you have guns and might be delusional or have PTSD. Just a tip there from someone with experience being a wallflower. You hear the funniest things when people forget you are there.

 

In any case, fake wood paneling on a fiberglass shell of a 1970's or 80's Winnebago truck top camper is probably your best deal today for rural boondock camping. It can get out of places much easier than even a lightweight trailer like a teardrop because you avoid the jackknife problem backing up. When I was in college, I drove a truck pulling a trailer for my college field trips, and I got to be okay at it because the truck had big mirrors and we didn't usually pile the back of the truck overly high so I could see it in the center mirror. The trailer was good too, with a wide stance. And I packed it so I could keep the weight right. There were expert trailer pullers with me, too. While you can technically pull a light trailer behind a sedan, you have to limit total weight to 1000 pounds. This is just about pointless and you'd be better off with car camping loads and a tent. Or go to the motel. Ironically, many very small cars, like a Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic will tow 1500 pounds but that still leaves you with a very light trailer. A teardrop without much inside, probably with its contents in the car for balance and enough weight over the rear axle of the car. Not ideal. Realistically, a truck or SUV is usually a better choice, and you can easily look up the tow capacity of your vehicle online. You may be surprised. Some tow a lot better than others. When you pass 3000 pounds you can start getting more serious about small trailers. If you want a big comfy Airstream, a dedicated tow vehicle may be needed, such as a modern turbo diesel powered truck or large V8. Those are thirsty engines, so people who do that often have a bicycle or motor scooter on the back, visible as you pass them on the highway. You also get into Cubic Money with these rigs. They get very luxurious and comfortable, though usually less than a common motel room. They only make real sense for full-time RVers who never go home at all, and for couples with the strongest relationships that don't shatter under the constant companionship. Having Cubic Money helps, apparently.

 

Downgrades from ultra-luxurious Airstream trailers are popular, though don't hold their value well. The curved aluminum shell of an airstream is iconic and thus valuable. The upside of lesser fiberglass trailers is they're much cheaper to buy used. While most aren't Top Gear'ed into wreckage by the owners, many get left parked and possibly moldy or full of mice. Restorations are going to require elbow grease and hanta virus immunizations and masks and goggles to keep the dust from your lungs. If you do have to strip down the interior, take the opportunity to install lots of insulation so they'll be warmer in the cold and thus more useful more of the year. Little point in owning a vehicle that requires you to go to Yuma in-season and pay premium prices for a space there with all the old swingers.

 

There are monster sized RVs based on bus frames. These are tricky to drive with the frantic words "small corrections" repeating endlessly from your copilot. They are also very slow, or much too fast when you need to stop or try and make that curve ahead. If you have any self respect as a driver, limit your vacations to motels and drive a fast car instead of a bus-sized RV. Just saying. As a compromise, then, the pickup truck shell camper is probably the best balance of mobility, cost, comfort, and value. Next down is the converted van, if done right. Just give yourself enough room to stretch out when you sleep. Sleeping cramped will make you cranky all day and that leads to bad behavior and eventually jail, I expect. Be sensible. Think hard about your minimum requirements, and recognize that without infinite money, you aren't going to want to be year round living in a vehicle. If its meant to be motivation to build a house, that will probably work really well.